It has been sometime since you last heard from good ole’ Huck Finn…

…but there’s a good reason why: Poker! That’s right, since I’ve officially thrown my proverbial “hat” into the ring of professional poker playing, I’ve been busy at the tables.

My first stop, the dinner table. I was starving after the exhausting decision to turn pro, but nothing that a PB&J; sandwhich and a handful of broken ice cubes couldn’t fix. (If you’re going to make it in the world of gambling, you must learn to live on a tight budget.)

Next, it was off to the bargaining table. It’s hard work to convince your parents and siblings that floating your hard earned dough “down the river” with Huck is much more profitable and much less dangerous that investing in mutual funds. I calmly explained my theories on the game and even demonstrated my card playing prowess at the play slothoki money tables on UltimateBet.com. They seemed surprisingly unimpressed with my ability to win $225,000 in one hand. I think my father mumbled something to the effect of, “You know, you were adopted.”

Realizing this tactic was unsuccessful, I resorted to plan B: stealing money out of their wallets while they slept. Sure, I know what you’re thinking, ‘How childish’, but to that I say, “It’s great to feel young again.”

Now, it was time for the interrogation table. I couldn’t believe my mother called the cops on me. What’s a few $1000 between blood? Fortunately, my parents promised not to press charges if I entered a mental hospital. I told them I signed up, but there’s a waiting list.

After that, came the virtual table. Nothing like the world of virtual poker…. especially when your playing with someone else’s money! After getting CJ’s password, I logged onto UPlayPoker.com and tapped into his “real” money. I was on fire! No, seriously, I was. My cat knocked over a lit candle and it fell right in my lap. Lesson learned: Dockers are stain proof, not fire proof. The fortunate side of the whole 2nd degree burn thing was it didn’t hurt to lose most of CJ’s money since the pain from the burns dominated the entire experience.

Finally, it was the operating table. Skin graphs are quite interesting, but I have a running bet with the doctor that most, if not all patients, are given some sort of pain medication during the procedure. If anyone knows someone that was, let me know so I can collect.

I sit here now contemplating two things: 1. What’s the fastest way to transfer money to my online poker account? and 2. What’s the pin number on my sister’s ATM card?

Well, it’s time to change the gauze on my thighs. Hopefully next time, I’ll have a few poker hands to talk about. Until then, see you on the river….

Pressing Poker Question

Is it better when you get sucked out by a woman? And yes, I mean at the poker table.

I’m sure it hurts just as bad, but at this point, my newest obsession is leading me to think it might not.

That obsession is Nicole Sullivan.

She became the first Celebrity Poker Showdown champion defeating seven men and Mo Gaffney (you decide). And this win involved one of the worst suckouts I’ve ever seen.

To be fair, I think she was playing pretty good poker. She threw away a lot more bad hands than the other players, and she wasn’t getting the cards that Paul Rudd has. Maybe it’s only fair that he became the victim of that suckout.

We’re down to just three players: Nicole, Paul and David Gross. David is the big stack at 21,000. Nicole is sitting with 14,000. Paul is at 10,000. Here are your hands:

Nicole: Jc, 7h

David: Ks, 4h

Paul: 6h, 6d

Amazingly, everyone pays to see the flop even after Paul raises.

Flop: As-6c-10d

Jackpot for Paul. He ges all-in. Nicole is convinced he’s bluffing and makes the call. Then she tries to convince David to call as well, he rightly folds. At this point, Paul is a whopping 97% favorite. It’s about as close to drawing dead as you can get.Turn: Qh

Now Paul can worry, but just a little. He’s still a 93% favorite. Going in, Nicole needed running something (8-9 or Q-K UPDATE: NOT 7-7 or J-J), now she’s half way there. With just four outs left…

River: Kc

Unbelievable. I’ve seen a lot of poker on TV and I’ve never seen a suckout like that. I’ve played a lot of poker online, and I don’t think I’ve seen many suckouts like that.

At least Nicole took the pot she stole and wound up winning the whole thing. I’d play at a table with her any time!…